Greetings, Earthlings! Call me Zontar.
Of first priority, I would most humbly like to thank Ms. Monkey for allowing me this exalted venue to make a very important announcement.
Zontar the Magnificent (this is where my blog is), your ever faithful scribe has in the past been merely an observer of the machinations and follies of the events on your fair planet Earth. Zontar, however, feels he must now take bold action. Upon observing the very negative campaigning occurring in the “United” States for the current election, Zontar wishes to declare his intention to run for president!
I know all of my faithful minions from my own blog will be delighted to hear this news and will vote for me with no questions asked. It is incumbent upon me, in order to achieve victory, to give you Zontar’s campaign platform in this very fine blog of Ms. Monkey.
For those who don’t know me, I hail from Xenon which is a galaxy 12,000,000,000,000,002 light years from Earth. Zontar is eligible constitutionally to be president as Xenon was made a protectorate of the “United” States during the incumbency of Gerald Ford.
Don’t write me any letters! I know what you are thinking. “Zontar”, I hear you say, “This is absurd! You are an alien! How can you understand the problems of a (mostly) human country?”
Fear not, future faithful minion. I can assure you there is ample precedent. Simply look at history.
That is correct, oh ye of little faith. Abraham Lincoln, arguably the greatest president was actually a cyborg hailing from Uranus. During the 19th century, this tidbit was swept under the rug. But all Xenonians are very knowledgeable about this. The fable of his assassination at the hands of the mad actor Booth is a complete fabrication. What happened was his unstable wife through a glass of Big Red at him after a particularly heated argument. This caused him to short circuit. There was no cabal involved at all. It was just a marital spat.
Even in our own time there is proof that Aliens have been deeply involved in politics. It is well known that the neocon aliens endorsed George W. Bush:
Perhaps the most astonishing revelation of all is the fact that the current vice-president, Mr Richard Cheney, is an interloper from beyond the Milky Way.
This is certainly not hard to believe given the evil which he hath wrought upon the world. He was born on the Planet Fellatio and it is well known who malevolent and bad-tempered Fellatians are. Thank Allah he will soon be on the street in January.
But Zontar is not about finger pointing about others wrong doings. Nay! Zontar is benevolent and wise and is all about Change! Change we can believe in!
But what are Zontar’s stands on the issues? Why should I vote for him, I hear you thinking.
The reasons are sundry and overwhelming.
The most important reason is that Zontar is a good family man who has old fashioned family values. As an example I give you a picture of the most recent child which was given birth by his beloved daughter wife Placenta.
Don’t ya think Krok is adorable?
Among Zontar’s other accomplishments, are that he was co-chairman of the PTA (Parent Teacher Alien) association in Xenonia and later mayor of that fair city. While mayor Zontar made many fine executive decisions such as which books to ban and how much of a bounty to place of wolves legs.
The greatest reason to vote for Zontar is of his sacrifice for his planet of Xenon. During the Third interplanetary war between Xenon and Fellatio, Zontar was taken prisoner. He was tortured twice daily upon the electric chair
and inhumane toilet practices
Zontar would not give in to his captors. He would not divulge any military secrets until the second day of captivity.
Zontar is an intergalactic hero. Zontar is a maverick.
To make sure you can trust this ticket, Zontar is nominating himself as vice-president. Xenonians have a unique self cloning feature which comes in very handy.
So on election day, I want ya to ask yourself this question. Do you want four more years of Bush as represented by Mr. McCain?
Or do you really want a president who is a tax and spend liberal who will enslave you to his communist belief system and send you to a gulag prison camp if you disagree with him?
I think you know the answer my friends. On November 4th, as you enter the voting booth, make your choice for Change, Truth and the American Way!
Vote Zontar 08!
Hail enlightened electorate!!
Hail Zontar!!! (who has approved this message.)
Actually, Zontar, I fear you have violated several intergalactic laws on campaign finance contributions with this message. I know it can be confusing, especially in light of the way Democrats account for campaign donations, but please try to stay current on non-US contribution law.
One point that we must make absolutely clear, however, is that reanimating the dead is strictly OFF LIMITS. While it is true that the dead frequently vote in Chicago and New Orleans, any attempt by you to use your Xenonian powers of reanimation to create a zombie following of voters will be most frowned upon. Plus, team Obama already has all of the zombie vote sewn up – just look at all of the Youtube videos of the zombified youth for Obama popping up everywhere. Actually, a zombie voting war may be good for the Palin administration, so on second thought reanimate away.
Hail Zontar!