I just want to advise all of you out there that have been adopted to think twice before you begin searching for your birth parents. Or if you do find them, just keep it simple and superficial. See the similarities you both have to satisfy some of your curiosities, and get your medical records. Don’t go beyond that or you may get into trouble. Don’t try to become “friends” or think that they are in anyway, your family. Don’t bring them into your life. Don’t trust them. Keep a good hard wall between the both of you. Perhaps some people have different experiences, and that’s all good. But just don’t expect “good”. Have no expectations.
I’ve had a horrible experience by coming together with my birth mom. It has been a nightmare for the last 6 years. It is, by far, one of the biggest missteps I have ever made. Can’t say I regret it as I learned a valuable lesson from it.
This is one example where curiosity had damned me.
I will now move on in my life realizing who my true mother is (the one who raised me), and just leave it at that. (Not that I didn’t think my true mother has always been my true mother.)
You live and you learn. And today’s lessen for me is to simmer a bit on my often uncontrolled curiosities and idealizing those things that aren’t a bit realistic. Idealizing relationships is also harmful. Really sniff people out before you think of trusting them. When you trust someone, you are at risk to getting hurt later on.
Curiosity is good because that is how you learn new things everyday and become an intelligent, well-rounded person, but when you take it too far, you are taking a risk at hurting yourself. You deserve better than that.
Sometimes, I do believe in the wall which divides people. Sometimes, I think it better to break down the wall so as to not block the good people from your life. But with my recent experiences, the wall needs to stay up.
Anyway, “The Primal Wound” is a great book to help any adoptee understand themselves better and especially essential for those parents willing to adopt.
Yep I can and do relate, May 17, 2003
By LizO (Colorado Springs, CO United States)I purchased this book during a very emotional time of my life which included seeking out my birth mother. I am ADD and normally read a book about three pages then fall asleep. This book, however, had me nodding my head, saying yes and feeling validated for those things I had felt through most of my life and finished within 24 hours.
Verrier has a good thought on this whole adoption thing. For those of us that were adopted during the dark ages of secrecy and the idea that adoption should be kept secret, this is a good book for those of us with conflicting feelings.
While this may not apply to all adoptees, and it certainly doesn’t, it does ring true for many of us left with many unanswered questions as to why we are the way we are, who we are and why we may act out in ways our adoptive siblings and parents don’t.
In all it’s a good book to consider for the adoptee seeking answers, the adoptive parent who may need some insight, the sibling not connecting with their adoptive brother/sister, the spouse of an adoptee, etc….
Again, it doesn’t fit everyone, no book like this does but for many of us this book explains a lot to our mental outlook. I don’t think in life you can find any book that really can put people (whatever the classification) into one-size-fits all but this book fit me to a “T”. Others may or may not be able to relate but worth the read if you are a member of the adoption triad.
