The Truth about the Effects of Sexual Abuse: Cutting, and Sadomasochism Explained

Most of us tend to make jokes of or laugh at the whip me harder, hurts so good, tie me up, fuck me hard, spank me, the handcuffs, the chains, the bondage, the being tied to the bed, the tape over the mouth, the nipple biting, and the brutal spankings that lead one to bleed or leave marks that last a long time.

Don’t think my husband and I don’t make jokes about this too! In light of the situation or depending on the context it is being brought up in, I find myself giggling about stuff like this as well.

However, if I remove myself from the chuckles, and the comedy, it’s a very sad thing. Sad, in that, I can see where it’s coming from.

This is not to criticize those who engage themselves in Sadomasochism. I come from the “to each his own” camp. While I don’t judge these people, I feel very sorry for them (whether they’re feeling happy about it or not).

There’s a reason for this type of behavior that may surprise you all.

Read this. This is the story of Dorothy, a Child Abuse Survivor. I’m going to quote some of the things written in this woman’s blog and then add some of my own comments. (She is fully aware that I’m doing this too.)

Sexual abuse has been going on perhaps since the beginning of time, but the difference between THEN and NOW is that people are starting to come out of the woodwork to talk about it.

The innocence of a child, will not allow their mind to comprehend what terror is being put upon them during abuse. They can no more think killing their abuser than they can a fly. It worsens when the child knows the abuser, because they have a love and trust that is so innocent, they cannot mistrust. This is where the confusion is set deep into their psyche, causing them to have conflicts with feelings throughout their life. In place of learning love through hugs and smiles, they are taught love through sexual abuse and threats. They have already learnt that the world is not safe. Children quickly learn through instinct to remove their minds from their bodies. They also can manipulate their bodies to go numb in order to not feel any physical contact with the abuser. Abused children are also taught to mistrust any form of verbal love and appreciation.

Written by Dorothy.

I think this also has to do with a child’s capability to cope with the extreme emotional pain they’re experiencing at the time because if they did allow themselves to feel it, they would die.

Speaking of children “removing their minds from their bodies”, check out what Primal Therapy has to say about this:

This separation of oneself from one’s needs and feelings is an instinctive maneuver in order to shut off excessive pain. We call it the split. The organism splits in order to protect its continuity.

The fact that they can “manipulate their bodies to go numb” is fascinating. I know a few people that can tolerate heaps of pain and not even bat an eye lash. I know a woman who says that her husband hits her and that this is normal in a marriage. This also reminds me of Sadomasochism where most commonly women play the submissive role. And they continue to do it. There’s a reason for it. A psychological one.

What about people who cut themselves? Ever noticed WHY they do that? It is supposed to be painful and disgusting to watch your blood running out of your flesh. One would normally think this, right?

Why do people do this? I found this to be most interesting:

Some people who cut have had a traumatic experience, such as living through violence, a disaster, or abuse. Self-injury may feel like a way of “waking up” from a sense of numbness after a traumatic experience. Or it may be a way of reinflicting the pain they went through, expressing anger over it, or trying to get control of it.

Read more from Kids Health.Org

Back to the Original Article

The abuser will tell them things like, “Daddy loves you and wants to show you how much”, or ” I am teaching you what daddy’s teach their daughters so that you will grow up and know how to be a good woman”.

Written by Dorothy.

I find this very frightening. Why? Because children believe everything their parents tell them. Watch how children (even adults that are victims of abuse!) always defend their parents. They can do no wrong. When cops, social workers, or anyone in the legal profession get a hold of them alone, children still do not admit that they are being abused. Amazing! But according to The Stockholm Syndrome, this is what to expect.

So much deception and lies from someone that a child holds dear to their heart. To doubt their abuser when it is their father, only makes them feel like a bad child. They know that their father wants them to love them and smile for them. This makes daddy happy. It is what every child is naturally driven to do. They thrive on their parents smiles and happy feelings. This is the exact thing that an abuser takes advantage of and also poisons through the abuse they inflict on the child.

Written by Dorothy.

Compliancy, submissiveness, placating….. Sadly, these traits follow them to adulthood.

Are these sexually abused children getting their needs met?

The follow excerpt is from Dr. Janov’s Theory of Neurosis:

We all are creatures of need. We are born needing, and the vast majority of us die after a lifetime of struggle with many of our needs unfulfilled. These needs are not excessive–to be fed, kept warm and dry, to grow and develop at our own pace, to be held and caressed, and to be stimulated. These Primal needs are the central reality of the infant. The neurotic process begins when these needs go unmet for any length of time. A newborn does not know that he should be picked up when he cries or that he should not be weaned too early, but when his needs go unattended, he hurts.

At first the infant will do everything in his power to fulfill his needs. He will reach up to be held, cry when he is hungry, kick his legs, and thrash about to have his needs recognized. If his needs go unfulfilled for a length of time, if he is not held, changed or fed, he will suffer continuous pain either until he can do something to get his parents to satisfy him or until he shuts off the pain by shutting off his need. If his pain is drastic enough, death may intervene, as shown in studies of some institutional babies.

Very interesting, indeed. Depending on the severity of the child abuse, most of us as adults are not able to realize that we need. Our actions show that we do, but deep down we don’t realize it and when we see another person expressing their needs, we yell at them. Because it’s what WE feel too inside that we’re unable to express.

Back to the story:

The child will also think in two identities if the abuser is her father or her uncle. She will think simply in two parts. Good daddy, bad daddy. This helps her to keep her good daddy image safe, where he is suppose to be. The second daddy will be a figure in a bad dream, not real to her world at all. A child may turn to drawing pictures of her good daddy and bad daddy. Or write very obscure, negative, even offensive poems or stories. These are true signs and most certainly cries for help. Please do not ever underestimate the power of the pen. It will either be a cry for help from someone that cannot use words, or it could be the key to ones doors of healing.

Written by Dorothy.

“A cry for help”. This is significant here. While the child (of any age) may not be consciously aware of what’s happening to them, the “cry for help” can take form in many different ways. It is an outlet. The pain’s got to go somewhere. It does not just sit, rot, die and go away like many people believe. Many people out there think that children cannot feel. Those same people think that infants cannot feel. Those same people think that the gestation stages aren’t important in shaping the child. Why? Because they cannot feel. These same people say that children don’t have the problems that adults have. As a result of this, the pain of a child is almost always minimized.

Even adults are crying for help in their own way. They don’t know why. They don’t know where it’s coming from. Their problems are still unresolved because they’ve conveniently forgot or repressed EVERYTHING. It’s a way of coping.

Again, from Dr. Janov (the originator of Primal Therapy) says…

…they continue throughout life exerting a force, channeling interests, and producing motivation toward the satisfaction of those needs. But because of their pain, the needs have been suppressed in the consciousness, and so the individual must pursue substitute gratifications. He must, in short, pursue the satisfaction of his needs symbolically. Because he was not allowed to express himself, he may be compelled to try to get others to listen and understand him later in life.

HERE’S WHAT’S IMPORTANT!

When the abuser is a family member, this factor alone robs the child of what would be known as a safe nest. The child will never know what a healthy role model is. Nor will this child ever have the experience of innocent nurturing. Unless this child through years of growth, learns to identify with their abuser and confront the abuse, their healing will never begin. Without this inner healing and peace, one is likely to repeat this horrible act of abuse that they were lead to believe to be a common practice in parenting.

Written by Dorothy.

This is what many of us don’t do. It’s not because we’re wrong or bad. It’s because most of us feel “safe” (ironic enough as that sounds) to keep the truth hidden from us. Not “facing the wolf”, if you will, is just another one of those coping mechanisms.

And you see it everyday – the cycle is being repeated down from one family to the next. To heal, you need to realize that you have a problem. (Again, this doesn’t mean you are bad or wrong). A lot of people fear that realizing they have a problem makes them look weak or that they are bad. It’s actually the contrary. You are strong when you realize that something’s the matter with you!

Next, you need to find out what your “bad habits” or act-outs are, find out why you do them, and if you can, stop doing them, and your true hidden feelings will surface. Once they surface you may feel anger, tension, anxiety, sadness and the like. Don’t deprive yourself of these feelings. Once you let yourself take ownership of them and feel them, you are less likely to put others through the same pain, and you, yourself, will be able to move on with your life.

Next, you need to realize that what happened to you was WRONG. Unless you realize this, than you’ll (without shame) take it out on another defenseless person.

Most importantly, you need to have either a counselor, a good friend or family member that you can trust or whom doesn’t belittle your pain – help you through this.

But we belittle our own pain. That’s why most of us when we hear that someone else is talking about having been a victim of sexual abuse, we tend to want them to just “shut up” and “get over it already”. We have no patience for those who are aware what has happened to them and choose to discuss it. Why? Because the same thing happened to us and we minimize our own pain. That’s why we minimize everyone else’s pain.

This is why it is so hard for a rape or molestation survivor to stand up and talk about it. Nobody believes them or feel that it’s a lame plea for attention. They tell them to forget about it and move on in a very callous and harsh manner. Those that say “get over it” are people that are very bitter, angry, and hateful that have still yet to heal. What they don’t realize is that they will never heal this way.

For these hardened and jaded folk – they will never be happy, but for them it’s more comfortable to feel “safe” than happy. And in the process, they piss on those trying to get through the rough times.

So for these reasons, I think healing from Sexual Abuse is not only hard, but next to impossible.

There are, however, very few that are as courageous as Holly. It is people like Holly that are able to face what they went through (even though it was extremely painful for her), and move on and that’s when and ONLY when their status changes from VICTIM to SURVIVOR.

Those of you who ignore it and think that you’re being “strong”, you’re dead wrong.

Victims have no choice but to survive. If they do not commit suicide, they learn to cope. I have mentioned in another article that some use drugs, alcohol, food, cutting ones self and even sex. These are common coping strategies. NO they are not good ones, but for most of the victims that choose that road, it’s the better of the two evils.

Written by Dorothy.

As I said before, it’s got to come out somehow. We should all try to develop a better understanding for those addicted to drugs (even though it’s hard).

Other victims choose to forget it ever happened, down play the abuse or rationalize it as if it were nothing more than a simple hug or touch. They even go as far as excusing their abusers actions or temper, saying that he was drunk or too stressed out from working. Victims will even try to understand and feel sorrow for their abusers. Anything to not accuse them and have to deal with the confusion of the why’s. Some even become so withdrawn into themselves, fearing that they may talk too much, or give a clue to someone about their nightmare. Then all their shame will be seen. So they choose silence instead of risk.

Written by Dorothy.

I have a friend that was a victim of repetitive sexual abuse by her own father. At one point she said that she hadn’t come out of the house for a year and that she didn’t say one word. She said that she was “physically unable” to speak even if she tried.

Denial is another way around facing the reality. But denial has a way of twisting around and returning with a vengeance. To not allow your pain to come up front so you can deal with it, only gives it more time to grow inside of you and get a stronger hold of your mind.

Written by Dorothy.

Very weak people do this. Very.

And finally, a few more words from Dorothy, the survivor:

I continue to show you patterns that are caused by neglecting yourself and allowing yourself to be totally absorbed by an action that was NEVER in your control. Now it is in your control. Now you can do something about it. SO, what are you waiting for? FIGHT!!!! Fight like you are trying to save the life of someone dear to you. Fight like a master and use your power to say, “Go to hell“. Scream this as loud as you can, “I see you, I hear you and I will not allow you to abuse me any longer!” You must feel the freedom that comes with this new fight that is awakening inside you. Once the fight is over, you will live a new life. A new book has just been written.

You are FREE! Free to Live, Love and Laugh!!

This is the difference between the WEAK and the STRONG. Holly and Dorothy are the tough ones, and are even kind enough to help others. They are the REAL tough ones. Won’t you join them?

You can start by joining Women’s Self Esteem.com. Tell your story and be BRAVE!

Side note: For the record, I don’t believe in God, so I have no religious agenda here.